What No One Tells You... About Working On Your Mental Health

It's been years since my last major depressive episode, but that doesn't mean I haven't been depressed since then. I take pride in knowing that things--well that I--have gotten better, but I do sometimes get feelings of déjà vu... like I'm the exact same girl who dug herself into the deepest, darkest depression imaginable.

The mind plays tricks

…and not the fun kind like on Halloween.

I'm writing this because the Fall is one of the toughest times for me. Some days I am completely pulled back to 2017. I know that mental health concerns are not supposed to be shameful, but I still experience so much shame and guilt from this period in my life. I walk on eggshells around my family and friends so they do not think that my behavior is, in any way, "out of the ordinary". I know that they too walk on eggshells with me, because I am known to be overly sensitive.

Will it be like this forever?

I am tired of re-living this part of my life.

A couple of weeks ago I completely broke down during one of my classes. My instructor was correcting me continuously, and my already fragile state was driven to it's breaking point. I ran to the restroom to let out my tears. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were bloodshot & red. I am so embarrassed and sick of being vulnerable to one ounce of criticism. After class I ran to my car, shaking... completely unsure about what to do next. You'd think that with all of my experience coping with depression, I'd have a go-to coping mechanism. Sure, I have tons. But some days, all the CBT, DBT, Shavasana, meditation, etc. does not seem to help.

So, what is the point?

It seems like I will be stuck in the revolving door for the entirety of my life.

Here's how I try to see it: I am a mirror. I am a shattered, broken mirror. Some people helped to glue it [me] back together, but there's no going back to the semi-flawless, unbroken mirror that remained untouched throughout my early years. Here's the thing, I could replace the glass on the mirror to appear the same as before... but then, most elements of me would be lost.

Do I keep the broken mirror or replace it with a pristine new glass?

Do I remain my broken self or replace parts of me to become an inauthentic, unbroken self?

Feeling forever broken is not easy, but being someone else entirely is arguably worse. I like my quirks, perspectives, and kind nature. I am not qualified to tell you what is right for you... but I can say that it is much more rewarding to be your true self, flaws and all... than to be some inauthentic version of you that seems to have it all together.

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My senior year of high school was when my anxiety and depression were first at their peak. I would sit in calculus class and draw little tiny dancers in the margins of my notes. By the end of the school year, one could count hundreds of them littered throughout derivatives and functions. To me, this dancer was representative of the song "Human" by the Killers. For those who don't know the song, the lyrics read "Are we human or are we dancer?" The message of the song taught me not to take life so seriously. And even if I do simply dance through life, I know that I do so with purpose. So the tiny little dancer doodles were a reminder that even though I was struggling, it was not the end of the world. I still draw these little dancers in my notes as a reminder.

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Everyone has their own way of coping with mental health issues. I hope that one day the stigma is completely erased from existence. Until then, I hope you find the good people in the world that care to listen to your story and empathize with you. I will continue sharing parts of my story that might help the next person that passes through my life.

Life has a way of creeping up on you when you have already made other plans. It is not easy.

Know you are not alone.

Know that it is not your duty in life to be okay every day of the year. 

Know that what works for you may look completely different from your peers.

My heart aches for those going through tough times. Sending hugs. . . ♡♡♡