Internalized homophobia in a heteronormative world

Back then, I remember sitting in a church pew utterly hating myself for thinking I might be romantically attracted to you. I remember thinking that every human in the sanctuary might treat me differently for openly identifying with the LGBTQ2IA+ community.

Most prominantly, I remember repressing my feelings to mere ash, and projecting my internalized homophobia and hate onto those whom I truly cared about. Shame and regret for the way I treated you linger on. I don't know if I'll ever fully forgive myself for that.

We live in an amatonormative and heteronormative world. Romantic and sexual attraction is always assumed to be superior to plantonic attraction, hence the colloquial phrase "more than friends"...and people always seem to want to know about every elses' love lives.

And so they'll ask, "do you have a boyfriend?" to the woman they just met two days ago. She answers no... and they continue to dig for a reason as to why she's not in a relationship.

What the interrogator doesn't know is this woman identifies as asexual and queer. She is in a queerplatonic relationship (or "QPR") with someone who identifies as nonbinary. Still, she answers "no" because no... she does not have a boyfriend.

The fairytale - soft porn trilogy - rom com - reality tv romance - celeb relationship gossip "train" keeps on chugging. There is no escape from the amatonormative and heteronormative ways of the world.

Where these norms become problematic is when our role models and peers unknowingly drill it into our brains that being a part of the LGBTQ2IA+ community makes one atypical, weird, or othered. So many children grow up learning absolutely nothing about queer individuals... and though the world is evolving... there are also still so many people raising/teaching their kids, students, & grandchildren that being gay is wrong.

So instead of exploring different types of relationships--sexual, romantic, neither, or both--with individuals of a different gender... these young people just end up hating themselves, hating their feelings, or hating their environment.

I cannot speak for others when I write this, and I acknoledge that my experience with these feelings is likely much different than other peoples' ... but again, I say, there is no escape from the amatonormative and heteronormative ways of the world.

Most people believe "the default" to be straight, but it's so much more nuanced than that. And assuming that this is a default, and promoting it as so... is just as problematic as erasing LGBTQ2IA+ experiences from the dialogue.

If someone identifies on the ace/aro-spectrum, then what even constitutes being "straight"? ... Sadly, even people within the LGBTQ2IA+ community will try to erase straight-passing ace/aro folks from the community. This goes to show that prejudice and bias are everywhere.

So, how then can we allow people to feel comfortable coming out and/or expressing their feelings? Where is the safe space? And where the heck can one "unlearn" these internalized homophobic tendencies?

Welp, we've all got implicit biases - that's a fact - but we certainly can make a postive change in our environment. Being cognizant that (1) "straight" is not a default, (2) gender is not binary, & (3) romantic and sexual attraction are not the only types of attraction... is the first step.

Next, we've gotta dig a little deeper. Righting your wrongs musn't be done merely to "clear one's conscience" ... but rather, to support others and create a safe space for others to be who they are! This means having difficult conversations and knowing when to shut up and listen.

Coming out ain't easy, but it makes it so much more difficult when those around you just don't get it. It makes it even more difficult when you have been primed to think it is going to change so much...

My inner child wants to scream "I WANT OUT - TAKE ME TO A UNIVERSE THAT GETS IT"

That little thirteen-year-old me was of a one track mind... marry a man, have kids, live happily ever after... Were these dreams and desires pushed on me by a society with normalized values of its own? And how will I come to terms with the values that lay deep under the surface that are oh so different than dreams of the past?

Yet, I may forever carry feelings of alienation like Mary Poppins continuously carrys her magical bag. Now, I think twice before I assume the norm.

Let us be kind to ourselves as we nagivate this wild world, and the internalized biases that are not easily erased... like sharpie on a dry erase board. Let us make a wave of postivity in a world that can be so darn dark. Let us carry on.